The Wall of Futility

It's been a while since I've written on here. If nothing else, it's a proper view of my discipline in life. At best, it shows that I've been preoccupied. It's hard not writing for someone else to read because that holds some accountability with it at times. It seems a lot has been happening in life. Trying to balance how much to pour into making life work with how much to just let its current carry you is tough. One day I hope to have the wisdom to do better, or know the pain to make better decisions. I think we don't sit in the pain of life enough, at least I don't. We try to make it go away so fast that it leaves no impact except a few more evasive tricks to put in our pocket. I was burdened this week with something. I was in the shower Thursday morning doing my ritual of thinking/praying/sleeping since I just woke up. A thought entered my mind about the 9/11 victims that were given the opportunity to call someone before the plane went down. Who would I call? What would I even say? I'm not sure what I would say without having time to think about it as my were about to end. I know that would want to talk to Abbey and the boys, but what would I say besides I loved them? Hopefully, the know that. Would those words even have any impact after I have lived so far away from them emotionally? As I thought through this, I couldn't help but think about what life advice I would give to the boys if they were never to see me again, and would it match up with how I have lived? My mind went to Ecclesiastes 6:7 "We work to feed our appetites; Meanwhile our souls go hungry." That verse has been haunting convicting for me over the past months. I would want to tell them that chasing after position, money, possessions, and women will not bring any peace. That those things could be a blessing given to you to care for and provide for others, but that they are not worth damn when it comes to your soul. Would they even receive that from me? Do I truly believe that? I can say yes, YES! But the way I live my life would scream NO! I want to change that, or have that changed in me. I shared this with my office in our meeting on Thursday, because I really couldn't help it. I wanted to tell someone that this was important to me. Who knows, maybe one of them will see this void in their own lives. Sometimes, I think that we get so caught up in our own abilities that it takes the Lord allowing us to slam into the brick wall of futility. As we get up, we are pissed as we brush our clothes off. How could the Lord do this to me! I want to feel His blessing again, when all the while, the brick wall is a blessing in itself. It is a reminder that I need Him. I gain nothing that lasts through success, popularity, or possessions. I need to be reminded of that daily.

Lord, I want to be purified and put through the pain that will lead me to the ulitmate test: the test of faith that You hold for us to be honestly willing to sacrifice everything that You've given us showing that we want NOTHING but You. Not Your blessings, but YOU. This almost sounds heretical, but I believe that it's the truth. I want to have the faith that You put into Abraham to even lay his son on the altar because You asked him to. I can't muster up enough emotion or guilt to be that on my own. I need You to break that in me. Help me not to settle.