Pimp My Clown Shoes

I loveth thou, let me count the ways.....

2008-02-01T01:03:00.000-06:00

Things I love about you Abbey:

Your beauty (I'm proud to have you beside me - I married up for sure)
Your eyes (They've always been pretty enough to paint, Betty just beat me to it)
Your smile (It can be seductive when genuine)
Your hair (Whether it's straight or curly or both)
Your way of decorating (Even strangers feel at home)
Your willingness to help others in need (You're a magnet)
Your uncanny power to always have the ingredients for cooking dump cake (One of my favorites)
Your growth in your relationship to the Lord (Even through the pain)
Your strength (Many people lean on you)
Your way of changing direction in your passions so easily (From People magazine and TV to reading Crabb, painting, and writing)
Your common sense (It's not really hard to stand out in that category living with Mr. Gullible)
Your submissiveness to me even when I'm wrong (Thanks)
Your love for your family (And sometimes mine)
Your giddiness with me and the children (I really like it, it's just so loud sometimes)
Your opera voice (not your Mrs. Bunker as much)
Your sense of style (Again, not that hard when living with me, where people need 3-D glasses to look at me when I dress myself)
Your ability to win any argument just because you want to (I'd love to be that smart)
Your commitment to making sure that we have pictures of our family (Left to me, we'd have nothing but memories)
Your ability to vocalize the needs in your life (Rare, in my world)
Your brother Rob (What a great friend I've found)
Your sense of how to think like me when you have to (So you understand)
Your purity (Thank you)
Your taste in music (The White Oaks of course)
Your protection of our children's eyes and minds (To even ripping pages out of a library book)
Your patience in letting me watch football (War Eagle)
Your being proud of me (That means so much to me)
Your being willing to stay home with so many children (Sometimes some that aren't even ours)
Your silky pillow case (If you were gone, I'd miss the sound of swish-swish-swish as your trying to soothe yourself to sleep)
Your ability to keep a secret (And your faith in me to trust me with them too)
Your laughter (You really are a fun person to be with)
Your humbleness to drive a minivan b/c of your children (There are some moms who won't)
Your growing love and trust in the Lord (There's nothing greater)
Your love for me (I lovest thee as well)

Be glad you're disappointed...

2008-01-12T23:16:00.000-06:00

Relationships are hard. Not hard like a math problem, but painful. Relationship is life, and life is relationship. When I was a little kid, I thought that life was about toys. The right toys that fit my mood were all I needed to be content in between the food. Most days all I needed was the enviable G I Joe Aircraft and I would have been good. Life felt like it was OVER when I couldn't have the ones that I wanted, but the pain would get worse. When I was in elementary school, life was being able to run faster than my friends and to have them respect me for that. Life felt that it was OVER when I had to face the fact there was someone better than me, but the pain would get worse. When in high school, I thought that being popular was the life that I needed to survive. Life felt like it was over when I was excluded or embarrased, but the pain would get worse. When I was in college, life was about finding and keeping the girl that I was supposed to marry. Life felt like it was over when she wouldn't have me, but the pain would get worse. When I got married to Abbey, life was having her love and respect me so much that I would be satisfied. Life felt like it was over when I realized that I'm usually not very loving or respectable. When we had kids, life was about being the best teacher to my sons. Life felt like it was over when I finally realized all that I had really taught my children. When I turned to the Lord, life was about figuring it all out and trying to fall into the doctrinely correct "ditches". Life felt like it was over when the Lord showed me that He will not be figured out by intellect, boxed in, or mandated by anyone.
These days of being 32 I wouldn't be the least bit excited over a new G I Joe, and I will readily admit that I don't care anymore if I'm faster than my you, and being popular has shown that it's only as long as the moment. I've grown older and wiser, at least in the sense of knowing what won't satisfy. I don't always follow that experience, but I'm usually not shocked in that I'm not truly satisfied whether it's in people, things, or feelings. The Lord is patient, and He'll take as long as it requires to convince us, in the deepest parts of the many caverns and oceans inside of our heart, that He and His commands are all that's worth chasing and counting on at all. People hurt us, things disappoint us, and good-feelings can change in a moment. My natural reaction, then, is to turn to the Lord to avoid the pain and disappointment that comes with life. But He then has become something else I try to use instead of to worship. I'm slowly (and I mean real slow) being shown that He is the only part of me that's good. He's leading me and He's with me always (inside of me), and because of that, I have all that I need. I have all that can possibly satisfy. So is that it? Is that all there is? No. Because I have in Him all that can possibly satisfy, I am now FREE to try to love others like He said, to even be hurt by them, or to even be treated like they don't think that I'm the least bit important to them. Does that hurt? Absolutely. But when we are truly trusting in His presence, it doesn't break us. It gives us the opportunity to run back to Him. When we believe that those other things or people or feelings are what we NEED, we still get hurt when they don't bring peace, but that's also an opportunity to run back to Him. Everything that the Lord brings into our lives are to take us to Him. Sometimes He can nurture us with His blessings and the resulting affection drops us at His feet. Sometimes He can nurture us by allowing hurt, and the resulting pain drives us into His lap. Soak in the comfort from that truth! Both avenues are to strengthen the relationship between us and Him! "All things work together for good...." For too long, I believed that that verse was an empty promise of the lack of pain, disappointment, and conflict in my life. That's just not true. All things work together to bring me to Him. Many times in tears and suffering more than in laughter, and that's still good. I would never change many of the pains that I've experienced (once they are over). They always seem to deepen my relationships with the Lord and everyone around me. Without Him working His love out in me, I'm just a weak man, an imposter, a liar, and everything else that the Lord warned us NOT to be in Scripture. Without Him and His discipline I'd be capable of it all. We should welcome the scars of sanctification. I'm falling more and more in love with the God that's bringing me through my life with all it's trials, pains, joys, etc. He still loves me even though I'm not faster than Him. He still loves you too, and wants you to find who you are in Him. You'll never find the gift of life in the things or the people of this world, they're not to be used like that I don't think.

Do you love me?

2007-12-08T00:09:00.000-06:00

"Do you like me?" That's pretty much THE question we ask everyone around us everyday. Everyday. At least if you're anything like me, I guess. Our common conversations have so much of that in it. Why else would we be so offended when we feel others don't actually listen to us while we're talking? Why else would we be so hurt when people talk bad about us? Why else do we get such enjoyment from treating others like we don't need them? Why else do we work so hard to look good physically and not focus as much on the other parts of who we are? Why else are nice clothes so important to us? I want to know people like me. But I think that just scratches the surface of what we are really longing for inside.
We want someone to love us, and more than just physically. We are desperate for someone to love us all the way through, especially through the costumes. We've grown to just accept the short-term feelings that are given when someone is impressed with whatever role we are actors in at the time. It's sad. I see it in my kids. They want me to play with them, and not always just because they need an all-time QB. They want to know that I like being with them, doing their stuff. That speaks something to them that's deeper than words. But words are powerful too. There are times, after a rough day, that as I'm walking out of their room at bedtime and turn the light off, I hear the "I love you daddy" that is more than just telling me. It's asking me. You can hear it in their voice. They are hanging on an edge and need to be reassured of that before we separate for the night. They are questioning it in the little hearts. It's sad. It's sad that they don't know because of our time together all day. I would say that it's just something to do with that age. But is it?
Abbey and I can so easily just resort to separate comfortable "cowpaths" that may not intersect for days or weeks. Does she know that I love her? There's absolutely NO WAY that she could know just based off my actions. She wants to be pursued, and I want to run. I want to be admired and she runs. It's back and forth. Then one or both of us get hurt and take our pride and go home. It's sad. She wants to know that I love her, and she wants to know if my love is even worth wanting. Sometimes it's not, but sometimes it is. It really is. So is hers. We spend too much time trying to prove to eachother and ourselves that we don't need each other. Admittedly, I need my wife. I need her encouragment, her respect, her admiration, her nuturing. She needs my attention, my compliments, my agreeablness, my strength. My kids need my time, my ability to be proud of them, my discipline, my experience.
You know, we don't think about it enough, but we ask the Lord the same question all the time. Do you love me? Are you proud of me? Did I do good Daddy? Hey, watch me! Look what I can do! Despite what I want to think, I don't believe that the Lord is always sad with me. I'm learning more and more that He didn't die for me just to have some debt that He dangles in front of me to get me motivated to do laborious duties for Him. He died for me because He loves His Father. His Father sent Him to die because they both love me. They love me, so they wanted to set me free from the chains that were holding me down in death. That's something to celebrate. They celebrate.
Sometimes we think that Christ's death just wiped the slate clean and now the game just starts over again at 0-0. No, the game is already over. He wins. We win. Our nature wants to believe that He didn't really start keeping score until we were saved. How wrong. The Lord is showing me in so many ways that He loves me. He's not our coach, our co-pilot, or our manager. He's our husband. It's a marriage, not a team. It's a family, not tryouts. We should be more like our children and ask Him to show us His love. I don't ask my kids to just "figure it out", and neither does He. Tell your children you love them and back it up with your actions. Guys, don't neglect to show and tell your wives that you love them. If we have the Holy Spirit inside of us, then there is ALWAYS a part of us loves those in our life, because He does.

Living by Faith

2007-10-17T21:13:00.000-05:00

Living by faith. I've always wondered what that was. I've also always thought that I did it. In thinking back on life as I knew it, living by faith only meant that I would go to heaven when I died. I guess that would be better titled dying in the faith, not living by faith. I also thought it meant that it was just my sins being forgiven and that I didn't have to "work" them off. I guess it is these things to a certain degree. I certainly don't want to take away from that. However, sometimes I added a little extra "faith" in the belief that God would change people around me to be less of a bother and that I would be delivered from the injustice in my life if I prayed the right prayer with the right heart. It seems these days the definition of living by faith is being changed inside of me. It's more than all that, and it doesn't have much to do with my comfort. At least not the comfort I'm looking for from other people, or money, or things. It's almost like there's a faith growing in me that's not man-made at all. It's not perfect, but it's deepening. I'm not perfect, but my vision is growing more clear. The past year or so of my life has been hard, really hard. There have been many times that I've struggled admitting how angry I was at God. I would argue with Him about His power. If He really was sovereign, then why didn't He do more things to rescue me and my family that made logical sense, or stop doing things that didn't. I felt like I hated His way of dealing with me, and hated Him for allowing my life to be like it was. I blamed Him for dangling things in front of me, getting my hopes up, and then stripping them away just to leave me helpless. My "kingdom" of comfort has turned into a demolished heap of rags. However, over the last few weeks my direction is changing and my affections are realigning. It's His way of loving me I think. It's painful, but it's good. I've had to lean on Him in ways that I've worked so hard to avoid. My response to injustice is changing. Slowly mind you, but changing. I'm starting to see it more quickly. I'm actually finding some sort of joy in Him that I don't ever remember having. Does this make me spiritual? Not in the least. It's nothing that I've done. It does make me happy though that He's spending time with me. I feel His presence more. I feel His peace more. Don't get me wrong, I still get scared alot. I still get angry alot. However, He's showing me to turn to Him with it more instead of turning to other things to ease it. He's bigger than my failures, vastly bigger. He's loves me more than I do, and that seems shocking. His love is just more true, and more real. His supply is bigger than all my needs. He knows my needs, but He wants my heart more than He wants to just see me comfortable. Those of you that know me may question all this, and I admit that I'm not a great standard to live against at times, well most times. But He accepts me, and that's becoming more and more all that I want, and I'm fighting that less and less. Trust Him.

Costumes, Candy, Christ, and a Kitten.

2007-09-14T22:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think that we live life like a big Halloween night of trick-or-treat mastery. We all work so extremely hard at creating these incredible "costumes" so we impress other people (including God Himself) that we should be the ones to get their "candy". Basically, the better trickster I become, the more treats I can get. We get frustrated when other people get more candy, become ashamed of our masks and try our darndest to mimic the mask that "they" have. We want their candy, or the most candy, and will stop at nothing to satisfy that longing. Face it, you don't get candy by showing up at someone's doorstep in your everyday clothes. How long till we stop being ashamed of our true selves, and start being ashamed of having to always be something we are not? I wonder if God is not more pleased when we just show up as who we are? Whether we are happy, sad, excited, depressed, fat, skinny, addicted, clean, content, desperate, or whatever.

I took a gamble tonight and let Ando watch The Passion with me tonight. That's such an emotionally challenging movie. It moved Anderson, for sure. Some of you may disagree with letting an eight year old watch that. I felt that it would be good to help make the story of what Jesus did for Him touch a more real spot in his heart, and it did. He's old enough to understand, and still innocent enough to be moved. As I was watching Him being willingly beaten for me, it made me think harder about whether He can be trusted with my life. I mean, admit it. The older I get, the more and more I realize that the common denomenator of all my sin is that I would rather control the outcomes in my life more than I want to lean heavily on Him. Oh, don't get me wrong. I lean on Him for things I can't control, or that don't really matter right now. My forgiveness, heaven, presidential election, world peace, death, are all things that I can trust His strength and sovereignty in. However, I sing a different tune when it comes to my daily minute-by-minute satisfaction. Lieing, lusting, the pursuit of "feeling alive" are all things that can bring immediate satisfaction, and I know that He doesn't operate nor define things the way I do. If I'm honest, I'm more convinced that I would do a better job at being god in my life than God Himself could do. If I didn't believe that, I would live a life of faith continually. Alright, enough of the emotional bleeding. His grace covers even that, and so does His sovereinty too. I believe that wrestling with these things is Jesus growing Himself in me more. That's faith to some degree, so that's a start. We get so concerned and worried about abusing grace and freedom that we don't even get close to it in reality. We're so afraid that we are going to miss out on something that we SHOULD do, that we don't ever stop and listen to what He wants to tell us.

But through it all, He's growing inside of me. My life doesn't shock or suprise Him. My failures don't obliterate Him or His delight in me. He delights in me! He doesn't delight in my discipline, my spiritual chores, nor my "moral muscle". He delights in me. His kindness leads me to repentence...true repentence. My shame leads me to be angry over certain sins. My pride leads me to be frustrated over some of the other ones. I'm not sure much of that is real repentence, for me at least. True repentence is me admiting at His feet that I need ALL of Him with ALL of me. There's a difference between being a broken vessel and being a self-made vase. He finds more glory in the brokenness. It's just that we hate it, because we have to admit then that we don't have what it takes to do it ourselves, outside of His working it in and through us.

The Lord has burdened me recently with the concept of the reality in a life of faith. My prayer is that maybe He is beginning that work in me and my hope is in that HE will be faithful to complete it. Can He find glory in my frustration? my failures? my addictions? my successes? my victories? my selfishness? my attempts at love? Yes! Yes, if it drives me to lean in on Him more. Is His strength measured in my developed strengths? No. Is His strength made perfect in my disciplines? No. His strength is made perfectly perfect in my weak weaknesses. A weakness is not a one time failure, it's a life struggle. There's something at war within me, that His strength is gaining victory over. Every so often, He walks the floors of my heart and takes a whip and drives out all of the things that I've let settle into my life that shouldn't be there. He kicks over tables legalism and self-reliance, and opens the cages of addictions and defeat. I'm His temple and He scourges it clean, because He delights in me. I enjoy knowing that He is so concerned for me and that He has the controlled strength to know exactly how much I can take and goes not one inch further until His time is right. Help us live with grace towards each other, holding tight to the hope that our faithful Groom loves us dearly and doesn't hold our adulteries against us any longer.

Oh, and I guess the kitten will stay. Abbey wins. Updated score...Abbey 107 vs. Matt 2, but who's counting?

We're Friends

2007-09-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel frustrated that you're not perfect? Well, maybe that's a little extreme. I feel frustrated a lot that I'm not better than I am. I wish I knew more Scripture. Not in my head, and not knowing that it's in the Bible somewhere. I wish I knew it more in my heart. That's where it begins a foundation. That's where it's planted. I wish I were more disciplined. I wish I were more brave to face my weaknesses and be comfortable with them, trusting in the Lord's timing. The good book says that His strength is made more perfect in my weaknesses. Maybe He's not as angry as I sometimes think He is. What if He's joyful in my weakness? That seems to go so far against my natural mind that I really can't even process it well. What if He's still smiling when I have a beer to take the edge off? What if He's still smiling when I'm playing the air drums in the car to Sweet Child O' Mine? What if He's singing along to some of the love songs...singing them to me while I'm singing to whoever can't hear me? What if He loves to see the non-stoic emotions pouring out of me that I would never show if I weren't alone? What if He just can't wait for me to wake up from a night's sleep to spend the day with me? What if He and the Holy Spirit talk about me while I'm sleeping? What if He's excited to hear me actually ask His opinion on something instead of just relying on my own judgment (doing that which is right in my own eyes)? What if He's sad like me when He sees someone hurting from the injustice of life itself? What if He's laughing when He sees me screaming and cheering that Auburn pulled out a game they should've won anyway? What if He is not as much of a jerk as I would be if I were God? What if He's better at loving my children than I am? What if He doesn't panic over my addictions because He knows exactly when He's going to free me from the chains? What if He's already got a "story" forming in my children that would be there even if they had another daddy? What if He's more like my daddy than my mind can fathom? What if my sins have already been sacrificed for, so I don't have to walk in shame as much as I walk in freedom? What if there's nothing left for me to "earn"? What if..what if...that could go on forever, and it'd be fun. The answer is...He is. He is - what an incredible statement. He is more than we can imagine. He is more love than we can grasp. He is more grace than we could ever earn. He is FOR us more than we are comfortable believing. What a friend I have in Jesus.

My Wife, My Life, and Everything Else

2007-09-04T23:12:00.000-05:00

It says in the Scripture that God's kindness leads us to repentence. I'm so thankful that He still does that to me, through my wife. Abbey is the perfect woman for me. We've been married over 10 years now, and we have walked through so many difficult times. In some we held each other, in others we pushed ourselves apart. I'm sorry it's taken this long to actually convince me that God really has perfectly put us together. She's who I wish I was at so many times. I've been given the opportunity to be the one that she needs. I've been chosen to be God's hands when she needs holding, His smile to show her that she's loved for who she is, His heart to show her that we're not leaving when she shows she's not perfect, and His mouth for speaking truth into her life. And she's that to me. How perfect! How perfectly hard sometimes too, but still perfect nonetheless. During all those times that we thought we were almost over, we were actually growing closer without even knowing it. The Lord's hand never left. I have been given eyes to see that we are not together to hold each other accountable to "doing" better in life, as much as we're together to hold each other accountable during this journey to sit in God's grace. Sometimes we sit laughing, and sometimes we're in tears. We spend so much energy trying to prove to God and to each other that we are worthy of some level of praise. It's taken 32 years for me to be shown that I can't do it. That's shaming, but still true. I'm a failure! Praise the Lord that He's full of grace. I've asked Him so many times to show me His grace and mercy in a way that I can see it. I've been living with it in my face for 10 years and never saw it. She's His voice, hands, mouth, and eyes! For you skeptics from Bible Colleges, I realize that I can't find true joy in another human, but I CAN find true joy in the one who seiges the hearts of other humans - His body. Christ lives not only in my heart, but in my home. We get so caught up in "making it" in this life, that we turn our backs on the living that we can have with our wives. We can breathe life into them as husbands by being transparent enough to be Christ to them. I want my home to be a community of grace for Abbey and the boys. I can't help but think of the adultress woman's interaction with Christ. He didn't condemn her. Would I have? Are we more offendable than Christ Himself? Our mouths say no, but our actions prove otherwise. Christ is so gracious! He must have a higher priority for us than discipline. It's relationship! It's funny that we don't want that until we know the feeling of being thrown naked into the dirt in shame. Till that point, all we want is praise for our good deeds. However, at that point on the ground, nothing matters but relationship. Our noble deeds don't mean crap. Christ's aggressive grace and mercy don't fit into many of the boxes that we've worked so hard to build for Him to inhabit in our minds. I don't understand a whole lot, but I KNOW that Christ put Abbey and I together, and there's grace in that. I believe that now more than ever. I am in love with my wife because she was made with me in mind. I love my wife because she has shown me God's grace more than anyone ever has. It's no small thing that she's beautiful either. I'm a lucky man because God loves me, and since He's in Abbey, she loves me too. Abbey, no matter where our house is, it'll be home and safe because we're together by design. I look forward to falling more and more with you and Lord. You are THE lady...casually elegant.

The Wall of Futility

2007-08-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've written on here. If nothing else, it's a proper view of my discipline in life. At best, it shows that I've been preoccupied. It's hard not writing for someone else to read because that holds some accountability with it at times. It seems a lot has been happening in life. Trying to balance how much to pour into making life work with how much to just let its current carry you is tough. One day I hope to have the wisdom to do better, or know the pain to make better decisions. I think we don't sit in the pain of life enough, at least I don't. We try to make it go away so fast that it leaves no impact except a few more evasive tricks to put in our pocket. I was burdened this week with something. I was in the shower Thursday morning doing my ritual of thinking/praying/sleeping since I just woke up. A thought entered my mind about the 9/11 victims that were given the opportunity to call someone before the plane went down. Who would I call? What would I even say? I'm not sure what I would say without having time to think about it as my were about to end. I know that would want to talk to Abbey and the boys, but what would I say besides I loved them? Hopefully, the know that. Would those words even have any impact after I have lived so far away from them emotionally? As I thought through this, I couldn't help but think about what life advice I would give to the boys if they were never to see me again, and would it match up with how I have lived? My mind went to Ecclesiastes 6:7 "We work to feed our appetites; Meanwhile our souls go hungry." That verse has been haunting convicting for me over the past months. I would want to tell them that chasing after position, money, possessions, and women will not bring any peace. That those things could be a blessing given to you to care for and provide for others, but that they are not worth damn when it comes to your soul. Would they even receive that from me? Do I truly believe that? I can say yes, YES! But the way I live my life would scream NO! I want to change that, or have that changed in me. I shared this with my office in our meeting on Thursday, because I really couldn't help it. I wanted to tell someone that this was important to me. Who knows, maybe one of them will see this void in their own lives. Sometimes, I think that we get so caught up in our own abilities that it takes the Lord allowing us to slam into the brick wall of futility. As we get up, we are pissed as we brush our clothes off. How could the Lord do this to me! I want to feel His blessing again, when all the while, the brick wall is a blessing in itself. It is a reminder that I need Him. I gain nothing that lasts through success, popularity, or possessions. I need to be reminded of that daily.

Lord, I want to be purified and put through the pain that will lead me to the ulitmate test: the test of faith that You hold for us to be honestly willing to sacrifice everything that You've given us showing that we want NOTHING but You. Not Your blessings, but YOU. This almost sounds heretical, but I believe that it's the truth. I want to have the faith that You put into Abraham to even lay his son on the altar because You asked him to. I can't muster up enough emotion or guilt to be that on my own. I need You to break that in me. Help me not to settle.

2007-07-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

Trusting the Lord is tough. I mean, to REALLY trust the Lord is tough. It almost feels impossible, and always completely irrational to our flesh. I'm struggling through what this means. Not so much theoretically, but how that leap would play out in my life. Would I be safe? Would I be happy? Isn't it funny, that those two questions are the fork in the road for most of the decisions I make. If the answer is 'no' to either of those questions, I will typically turn towards the other direction. I'm good at playing this card in my Christian walk. I can even turn the other direction without even looking like it. Kind of like when a customer thinks I'm listening, but I'm actually thinking about how to solve the problem I was working on before they came in. Caring. What a profound concept. Do I care? If so, what do I REALLY care about? If I had to be honest, it would be my safety and my happiness. Do I listen for God? Do I think that He REALLY knows me better than I do? Does He REALLY knows what's better for me than I do? Is He REALLY concerned about my happiness as much as I am? Is He a better father than I am? I hope so. Is He a better Bride-groom than I am? That wouldn't be too hard. What I'm dealing with now is how do I trust Him in my actions and my thoughts. It has to start with my heart. If my actions, words, and thoughts proceed out of my heart, I have to start looking there. To start at any other point would just be 'behavior modification' and would be empty and short-lived, at best. When I went to TheCall last weekend, I was shown that my life has not been completely given over to the Lord. It's easy for me to call Him Saviour, because that doesn't cost me anything. At most, it cost me 5 minutes of my time to say a simple prayer. But for Him to be LORD in my life, that'll cost me EVERYTHING. Am I ready to put everything on the table to trust Him? If so, what does that even mean? Do I just sell everything I have, quit my job, etc... Sometimes it seems clear, but most of the time it's foggy. Sometimes I am willing, but most of the time I am throwing a tantrum. God doesn't demand perfection, but He desires a willingness. He is exposing that in me, so maybe He is sanctifying me in that direction. I wrestle with it a lot. I wrestle with wanting to 'plan out' what I will sacrifice and when I will do it. "Let the dead bury the dead." What a harsh statement. I have been struggling through Genesis 22 now for a week. Well, not a whole week, but I haven't read any further than that in over a week. More laziness, than spiritual meditation day and night. Chapter 22 is difficult for me right now, because I'm not sure I would have done what God called Abraham to do. Kill my own son. Here's the main points of the chapter:

vs 1 - "After all this..God said." So, after all of the Abraham's unbelief, his human effort, and God's faithful delivering of His promise.
"I'm listening." Abraham heard God speak. He had ears to hear. Which basically means he had a heart that was submitted to God's Lordship. That's what I want!!
God told Abraham to go sacrifice Isaac. If I was Abraham, I would have said, "What? Excuse me while I command Satan to get thee behind me! This must be Satan trying to disguise himself as God. If God commanded that, then He's going against what He has promised, and God doesn't contradict Himself. He told me that through Isaac I would have ancestors the number of the sand, so that wouldn't make any sense to kill Isaac. I'm confused, and God is not the master of chaos, so it must be Satan. It must be. God wouldn't ask me to sacrifice the son I've waited 100 years for."
God told Abraham to go sacrifice Isaac. But it WAS God. So why? It says to 'test' Abraham. That sounds more like a bully than a loving Father to me. So why? I don't really know. I could give you some brainy theological answers maybe, but I think it's got something to do with God wanting Abraham to see that he needs to love God Himself more than His blessings. Priorities are the priority here, I think.
Abraham had learned to trust that the Lord was worth trusting, even when it doesn't make sense and even when it's not safe. His happiness had grown to be found more in the Lord than in His blessings. He got up early the next morning and proceeded to obey. He took two of his servants and Isaac, he split wood for the fire, and set out toward Moriah. When they got there, Abraham said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey. The boy and I are going over there to worship; then WE'LL come back to you." He had faith in the Lord that He would keep His promise. WE'LL come back to you! Abraham was expecting a miracle.
Isaac carried the wood for the offering. A picture of Christ? I think so. Isaac asked where the sheep was, and Abraham told him that God would provide the sheep. Another picture pointing towards Christ? I think so.
"Then he tied up Isaac and laid him on the altar." Why didn't Isaac fight him? If I had to guess, it's because he was following his father's belief and trust in the Lord. He was about his father's and his Father's business. Another picture of Christ? I think so.
"Abraham reached out and took the knife to kill his son." Okay Lord. I'm pulling out my knife to kill my son (pulling it out s-l-o-w-l-y). Okay, when I count to three, I'm going to kill my son (one - two - two 1/2 - two 3/4....). I don't know, maybe that's how it happened. If I had gotten that far, that's how I would have counted at least.
At the last second, an angel of God called out of Heaven shouting, "Abraham!" Again, he said, "I'm listening." I know I would have been listening that time.
"...Now I know how fearlessly you fear God; you didn't hesitate to place your son, your dear son, on the altar for me." Hallelujah...that hurts. It wasn't just Isaac that Abraham was sacrificing, it was his happiness, it was his lifelong dream, it was his promise from God, it was His reliance on God's blessings above God Himself, it was his fear of how he would explain this to Sarah, and it was the idea that he could put God into a box. I realize that I don't put much of anything on the altar for Him. I want to want to. God didn't ask Abraham to stop caring so much for his son, He asked him to care MORE for Him. I think I try to show God my faith by not caring at all about too many things down here, instead of seeking to know Him and trust Him more.
"He saw a ram caught by its horns...Abraham took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son." Now THAT is a picture of Christ! Abraham named that place Jehovah-Jireh (God-Sees-to-It). That place would have had many names for me as well, like: God-Scares-Me-to-Death, God-is-not-Safe, God-Really-Really-Wants-a-Relationship-With-ME, God-Who-Goes-to-Any-Measure, God-Whew, etc....
The angel of God spoke again (pay close attention to this), "I swear - God's sure word! - BECAUSE you have gone through with this, and have not refused to give me your son, your dear, dear son, I'll bless you - oh, how I'll bless you! And I'll make sure that your children flourish - like stars in the sky! like sand on the beaches! And your descendants will defeat their enemies. All nations on Earth will find themselves blessed through your decedents because you obeyed me." Okay, wait a minute. I thought God promised all this already (Genesis 12:2-3, 15:5, 17:3-8). Now, here's a fork in the road in our belief system. The angel said it was BECAUSE Abraham believed (had faith) that these blessings were going to surely be done. But God promised this BEFORE Abraham did this. I know there may be some recoil from this, but I believe God supernaturally instilled this faith in Abraham. God could make this promise because He was never out of control. Remember, He made the covenant with Himself FOR Abraham (Chapter 15). So it was NEVER hinging off of Abraham, it was based on God's provision of a sacrifice and His provision of faith. Jehovah-Jireh provided lots of things for Abraham that day.

Lord, You are the Great Provider of the Ultimate Lamb and supernatural faith. You sacrificed your most beloved Son for us. Provide in me a faith that trusts You even when it's scary and doesn't make any sense. Give me faith to sacrifice the most "dear" things in my life, knowing that You are able to provide. You are a caring Father that can be trusted, not a bully that we must protect our 'dear' things from. Give me ears to hear what you are asking me to put on the altar for You, and a faith that treasures You more than whatever it is you ask me to 'kill'. Show me that You are enough.

TheCall

2007-07-08T16:11:00.000-05:00

The Lord is worthy and I am blessed to worship Him. Yesterday's trip to TheCall in Nashville was absolutely incredible. I've never been in a forum like that to where over 100,000 believers were on their knees in silence, on their faces in repentence, and on their feet in celebration. That's definitely a small taste of what heaven will be like. Hearing the roars of people shouting to the Lord in excitement was one of the most moving moments in my life. I felt so safe being surrounded by thousands of other sweaty people that were there to experience the Lord. So many nations and people groups were represented and all in love. Simply incredible. The Lord used this weekend to further expose so many of the distractions that allow in my life, things that so easily catch my focus other of than Him and what He's called me to be. The only negative of the day was that I realized how quickly I grew calloused and accostumed to the massive worship. It took less than an hour for the impact to start settling in. That's okay I guess, because we were there to worship the Lord, not to be impressed with our own size.

Who Gets Out Your Splinters?

2007-07-05T23:25:00.000-05:00

Hopefully, tomorrow I will leave for Nashville to attend the Call. I am excited to see what the Lord may do. I usually don't go for events like this, but for some reason I feel drawn. Maybe it's just me searching, or maybe it's the Lord pulling, or maybe it's both. I don't know, we'll see I guess. Yesterday and today I spent some time in Genesis 21, reading about the birth and first years of Isaac. Writing my thoughts out on this stuff sure does seem to help it stick in my own brain for some reason. Here goes:

God's promise never waivered the slightest even through Abraham and Sarah's unbelief. I find a peace about that, but a frustration that I can't control God at all.
God waited until there was no way, humanly possible, for a woman to conceive to give a son to Abraham and Sarah. Why? Punishment for their years of unbelief? Maybe, but I don't think so. To let them try all the "tricks" they could to get pregnant first? There's no point in that. You know, thinking through it, I wish it were for punishment, at least that way it would give us more if we just lived better than them. Man, we are thirsting to be in control aren't we? I think it's that God wanted absolutely NO ONE to receive any of the credit for His miracle. He wanted there to be absolutely no doubt as to His choosing the line of Abraham. (Not by works of righteousness, lest any man should boast is fitting here.)
Sarah becomes angry at Ishmael for making fun of Isaac, and she wants Abraham to kick them out. "No child of this slave is going to share inheritance with my son Isaac." This sounds harsh, but Paul says in Galations 4: "Isn't it clear, friends, that you , like Isaac, are children of promise? In the days of Hagar and Sarah, the child who came from faithless connivance (Ishmael) harassed the child who came - empowered by the Spirit - from the faithful promise (Isaac). Isn't it clear that the harassment you are now experiencing from the Jerusalem heretics follows that old pattern? There is a Scripture that tells us what to do: 'Expel the slave mother with her son, for the slave son will not inherit with the free son.' Isn't that conclusive? We are not children of the slave woman, but of the free woman."
The matter gave great pain to Abraham. I'm sure that there was a huge part of Abraham that wanted let Ishmael stay, after all, he was Abraham's only son for so long, and the son that he thought would get the inheritance for just as long. It's got to be hard to commit so hard to one side and then have to not only change direction but to send away what was your crutch for so long. Sounds familiar in my life, when you compare the slave son vs. the free son you also get the old man vs. the new creation. I hate to let the old nature depart. It almost feels like death itself (which it is).
For Abraham, God protected Hagar and Ishmael. Wow, that's interesting. God just wanted Abraham to turn away but God never stopped planning on staying by Ishmael's side. He even promises to make a great nation out of him as well.

Applications:

Stop fighting to gain control over the Lord. His plans will not be put aside. Rest in that.
Don't settle for the fact that everything true must have a human explanation.
Be willing to let the slave son be taken away by the Lord.
Don't be afraid to hurt. Tonight, Abbey and I pulled a HUGE splinter out of Anderson's toe. It was definitely one of the biggest splinters I've ever seen actually come out of someones skin. My point is, it wasn't painful for him to have the splinter in there. It went in just below the skin, but for a long stretch of his toe, just not deep. He could walk on it and was fine, but he wanted it out. He didn't start crying when I looked at it, but he went into hysterics when I pulled my pocketknife out. He would have felt better if he were in control of the knife instead of me, but any loving parent wouldn't let there child pick his own splinter out with a sharp pocket knife or a needle. We eventually had to move to a needle and his body was convulsing from the thought of that. The funny thing is it wasn't even hurting him. He was even admitting it. He said that he was just scared that it would start hurting. It never did hurt, but you would have thought that I was sawing his big toe to the bone the he was acting. Don't get me wrong, it was totally understandable from an eight year old, but I just thought, "Of course, it's not that most of cry because we are actually in pain, it's just that we are so afraid of it, the dread is just as bad if not worse." We protect ourselves emotionally from the threat/thought of pain at such at price that we will use drastic measures to ensure we are safe. Gossip is a great one. Alcohol is one. Tobacco is one. Oops. Trust is such a vast word. It can mean so little, or it can mean a lot. You see, Anderson would totally say that he completely trusts me. Sure, why wouldn't he? That is, until I have his toe in one hand and my knife in the other. What would it look like if he really (I mean REALLY) trusted me then? What would it look like if we REALLY trusted the Lord...not just for daily bread and forgiveness, but for pulling splinters out of places in our heart that we don't like anyone else to touch. Would we demand to hold His knife ourselves? We should encourage each other to trust the Lord more. Either He is in control or He is not. I think He is, I just want to believe it enough that I live like it.

Digging Past the Half-truths to the Gold

2007-07-02T21:48:00.000-05:00

I had no idea that I would enjoy writing in these futuristic type diaries. It's one of the oddest emotions I've ever had putting thoughts into words on a "blog". You can put your heart out there without caring whether or not anyone ever reads it, so you feel safe. However, at the same time, you think that someone could stumble across it one day and that scares you half to death. It's kind of like driving in your car. You feel complete isolation from the world around you. You are only surrounded by huge chunks of speeding metal, so you feel the privacy to pick your nose like the passing cars won't care. Then all of a sudden you notice another human inside the another vehicle looking at you with their finger up their nose and you both are ashamed all of a sudden. It's that kind of feeling. Security and fear mixed hand in hand. My goal is to just write whatever has been on my mind during the each day, and just let it ride...for me.

I've been reading through Genesis off and on for the last week or two, so any thoughts that are worth sharing will probably come from there. Today I read Genesis 20. Cliffnotes: Once again, Abraham lies by saying Sarah was his sister and gets busted by Ambimelech.
Some thoughts that jumped out:

Sarah actually WAS Abraham's half-sister (so only a half-lie, or half-truth I guess?)
Abraham was willing to let another man sleep with his wife to protect himself? He probably thought, "Good luck getting HER pregnant. I sure can't." Cowardly nonetheless.
Sarah was actually willing to sleep with another man? She never fought the idea. Maybe she was sick of Abraham's weak self-protective lifestyle and wanted to be with another man that was actually stronger than her. Maybe she was blaming Abraham like it was his fault for her not having any children. She obviously wasn't too keen on monogomy since she sent Abraham to sleep with Hagar.
Sarah was obviously smokin' hot. Everywhere they went, men wanted to sleep with her. But she was like in her nineties, so she must have been REALLY sexy.
God intervened. Like all good fathers would, He stepped in with strength and protection. How loving, and He never got tired of intervening for Abraham.
Abimelech was scared to death. He probably didn't sleep at all after God told him in a dream that He would kill him and his entire family if he slept with Sarah. He was dressed before anyone else woke up and was ready to send them packing. However, God was actually protecting Abimelech and his family by warning him.
Abraham was a hypocrite. When Abimelech asked him why he lied, Abraham said, "I just assumed that there was no fear of God in this place and that they'd kill me to get my wife." (11-13). So...who had no fear of God? Abimelech seemed to certainly have more fear of God in this story than Abraham did. Abraham had fear of Abimelech not God.
Abraham was blessed by God, through Abimelech, with even more cattle and servants. What? Excuse me? I don't get it. If we were God in this story, we would have completely shamed Abraham and maybe took away some of his "toys" so he would learn a lesson about living in relationship with God. I would have sent him to his tent without supper after I completely lost me temper and screamed at him for being so disobedient and rebellious. I might have even kept Sarah's womb closed for another 10 years just to show that I have the authority to do that. Did Abraham deserve all of that punishment? Sure he did, but that's not the way God responded. Why? God had made a covenant with Abraham that did NOT hinge on Abraham's performance. God still blessed him, because He loved him even at that moment, not because he loved Him well. Did Abraham respond by being spoiled with God's blessings? Abraham learned a big lesson about being part of the kingdom in this story. He learned he could trust Him, no matter what. That's the freedom life in the kingdom. Freedom he'd need later to sacrifice Isaac, his own beloved son, if God asks.

Lessons I need to digest from this:

What half-truths have I learned to depend on (and maybe even truly believe in) to help keep me stay "comfortable" in this life? There are so many answers to this that I don't even know where to start: that it's up to me, that I'm a victim, that I'm always right, that saying it with my mouth is repentence enough, that I have a right to protect myself from inconvenience, etc.
What whole-truths do I need to make a stronger stand for? That God is in full control, that I'm forgiven, that my wife is forgiven, that God is worth trusting, that no real lasting joy is anywhere but in Him.
Do I ever trust God enough that He will intervene, or do I rely on half-truths to get me by? I want to step out on more ledges.
Am I humble enough to accept God's blessings in light of my heart? I want to stop believing that I have to earn his favor. He blesses because of who He is, not what I've done.
Am I humble enough to accept God's blessings in others' lives when they aren't right? Boy, that one's tough.

So, the next time you are driving and feel the urge to dig for gold, make a stand. (Picking your nose is a grey area in Scripture. If you are convicted by it, then follow your conscience. If not, pick valiantly like a skilled warrior without shame.) Don't try to convince the other drivers that you DON'T pick your nose when they just saw your finger up there. You are who you are, boogers and all...loved by a God that loves you even while you are doing that.

As Abbey would say, "Hmmm...Did you get it?"

Rocks In My Socks

2007-06-30T23:15:00.000-05:00

At the prompting of my good friend Al, I've decided it's time to sit down and begin this thing. I've had an empty blog page for quite a few weeks now. Abbey is much better at putting thoughts into words, while I just aimlessly ramble through thoughts as they come out without any form of filter. It'll be easier to "plan" what I say in this, but I'm going to try and not backspace if I can help it.

Today:

Sometimes, I feel like life couldn't get any better. And then there are those times when I think that life just sucks, like a rock stuck in my shoe that I'm not sure how it got there and I can't just finger swipe it out. It's uncomfortable and annoying. So what's the difference between loving life and hating it? To me, it's just a little bit of perspective, a dash of circumstances, and a heaping helping of pride. If I'm really honest, how good I feel about my life is based mostly on how well I'm convinced that others perceive me as living it...right. Too often, my "closeness" to the Lord is based on my living right (works). Harsh, but honest, and no doubt true. How wrong is that?
My life is filled with so many blessings: Abbey, the boys, a good job that provides money to keep a roof over our heads (built in the '40s, but Abbey has a way of making any house feel like home), a wife that can somehow always find enough money to keep food in the cupboards and on the table, a loving family, great friends, a wonderful church...oh, and my health (not counting my 256 cholesterol level). Why is this not enough? Is the answer in that I don't appreciate all of these things enough? Well, I don't appreciate all these things enough, but that's still not the answer to me. I think that if I am willing to search deep enough into the underground sewers of my heart, my old-man wants to say that it's because I haven't gotten "more", and that I just need to keep accumulating to add into that list. However, even further down inside of me, even deeper than the sewage, there is a spring that is telling me that 'more is less'. Why is that so hard to believe?

Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 6:7 (the Message, of course. Sorry)
"We work to feed our appetites; Meanwhile our souls go hungry."

The first time I read that verse, it was like a thump on the back of my head and refreshment in my heart - both at the same time. Hmmm. My appetite...what is that? It's that drive in me to accumulate enough to be happy. It's that feeling that I deserve something. It's that urge to overcome, at all costs, the feeling of weakness. It's that desperation that fights admitting that I feel like an imposter in this life. I work daily, every minute, to feed that appetite. My soul is hungry...what does that mean? My soul (the domain of the Spirit) is what is writing this now. It IS hungry. It's not hungry for a "better" life. It's hungry for LIFE!
Am I willing to admit that: 1) I am hungry 2) that I can't feed myself and 3) that I will always be hungry for more? We are a needy people, we know that. That's why I strive to satisfy myself at every turn. What's so hard to accept is that the Lord doesn't want me to NOT be needy, He just wants me to completely adandon the hunger to Him. Sound easy? Try living it out in your own strength. I can't. I love the Lord for giving me grace, I just hate that I need it.
"I wish I were better." That's really a profoundly deep yet simple question in life isn't it? You can do a lot with that statement. Some people would say, "Well, just DO better." Makes sense, I guess. I'll just need a little help...maybe a list or something to keep myself in check would do. Others would try to convince me that I AM better than I feel about myself. So I just need to trick myself into being convinced that's true until I can actually believe it. Or maybe, I could lower my standards because I'm being too legalistic.
The truth is this, I do wish I were better. Better at a lot of things. A better husband, a better father, a better friend, a better employee, a better boss, a better blogger, a better exerciser, a better looking man, a better sense of humor, a better prayer, a better Scripture reader, a better lover of people that annoy me, a better fix-it man around the house, a better Christian...a better me. This list could go on and on, and my desire to be "better" will never stop. There are not enough years in my life, energy in my body, nor capacity in my brain to ever be all of these...much less the best at any of these. So, I guess, the best response to the "I wish I were better" statement is not what do I want to be better at, but why do I wish I were better? So I can prove something to myself? So I can prove something to you? So I can prove something to the Lord? All of these answers have one thing in common: they all have something to do with me not wanting to be embarrased or exposed as being weak and incapable. So that's it. That's life as I live it in a nutshell, a very compartmentalized nut.
Fortunately, the Lord is not willing to accept this for me. He wants more relationship from me than that. He wants me to see glory in the fact that I need Him. I am not His prodigy, I'm His child. That love for me is what I need to be reminded of when He allows things (life' rocks) to be hard. He lovingly weakens my defenses so I will learn to hear His voice and run to Him. There is joy in that reunion. I've always liked the story of the prodigal son b/c there are so many truths in there about who we are and who Christ is. When the son returns, his father is absolutely overcome with happiness, but the sinful deeds of the son must have been addressed later on after the party. Or were they? (Now, I know it was a parable, and that it didn't really happen, but just humor me while I'm thinking this through.) I don't think so. The older son wouldn't have gotten so upset if he knew that after the party was over, his brother was going to get what was coming to him. Justice was pushed aside by mercy. That's so hard to even type, because to my mind (and probably yours) it almost seems...ungodly. But to my shoulders, it's a light yoke replacing an unbearable one. And to my soul, it tastes like soup..mmm mmm good.
That's the kingdom life. I'm tired of the hypocritic self-sustaining life as a Pharisee. Praise the Lord that He gives us eyes to see, and even shows us where to look...so we can watch Him remove the rocks from our shoes (and sometimes lovingly leave a different pebble in there.)