Living by Faith

Living by faith. I've always wondered what that was. I've also always thought that I did it. In thinking back on life as I knew it, living by faith only meant that I would go to heaven when I died. I guess that would be better titled dying in the faith, not living by faith. I also thought it meant that it was just my sins being forgiven and that I didn't have to "work" them off. I guess it is these things to a certain degree. I certainly don't want to take away from that. However, sometimes I added a little extra "faith" in the belief that God would change people around me to be less of a bother and that I would be delivered from the injustice in my life if I prayed the right prayer with the right heart. It seems these days the definition of living by faith is being changed inside of me. It's more than all that, and it doesn't have much to do with my comfort. At least not the comfort I'm looking for from other people, or money, or things. It's almost like there's a faith growing in me that's not man-made at all. It's not perfect, but it's deepening. I'm not perfect, but my vision is growing more clear. The past year or so of my life has been hard, really hard. There have been many times that I've struggled admitting how angry I was at God. I would argue with Him about His power. If He really was sovereign, then why didn't He do more things to rescue me and my family that made logical sense, or stop doing things that didn't. I felt like I hated His way of dealing with me, and hated Him for allowing my life to be like it was. I blamed Him for dangling things in front of me, getting my hopes up, and then stripping them away just to leave me helpless. My "kingdom" of comfort has turned into a demolished heap of rags. However, over the last few weeks my direction is changing and my affections are realigning. It's His way of loving me I think. It's painful, but it's good. I've had to lean on Him in ways that I've worked so hard to avoid. My response to injustice is changing. Slowly mind you, but changing. I'm starting to see it more quickly. I'm actually finding some sort of joy in Him that I don't ever remember having. Does this make me spiritual? Not in the least. It's nothing that I've done. It does make me happy though that He's spending time with me. I feel His presence more. I feel His peace more. Don't get me wrong, I still get scared alot. I still get angry alot. However, He's showing me to turn to Him with it more instead of turning to other things to ease it. He's bigger than my failures, vastly bigger. He's loves me more than I do, and that seems shocking. His love is just more true, and more real. His supply is bigger than all my needs. He knows my needs, but He wants my heart more than He wants to just see me comfortable. Those of you that know me may question all this, and I admit that I'm not a great standard to live against at times, well most times. But He accepts me, and that's becoming more and more all that I want, and I'm fighting that less and less. Trust Him.